Processing ... On Paper.

 

Does your life ever feel like the photo above?
It was an accidental photo, I didn't even know I had taken it until the other day.
But my life totally feels like that sometimes.
Like I'm just hanging on for dear life so I don't go flying off this spinning planet!!

There are a few things I find helpful when it does start to feel like this.
Or even ... before this, but to keep me from getting to this.
That is where I am now.  Feeling like if I don't get
things under control, it will all start to spin!

I'm am external processor.
I need to talk to process.  But sometimes
I can't.  I don't have a large group of people I feel
comfortable 'processing' with.  In fact, it's quite a small, very
select group containing less than a handful of people.

Sure, there are levels of processing. And if we're talking about what I'm going to cook for dinner,
I'm probably happy to chat to a stranger in the supermarket.

I have found, over the years, though, that with lots of things, I can 'process' my
thoughts on paper just as well as in a conversation.  It's almost like I need
to hear (or see) my thoughts to before I can decide if they make
sense.   If you are an external processor, you may know
what I'm talking about.  

Here's what one of my "processing" lists looks like.
It's simple.  Nothing complicated.
But so helpful. 

My next step is to put those thoughts on to a schedule.
I don't want to "fit" these things into my day, I want them to be priority. 
Having that in my mind helps as I go about looking at what other things take up my
time and thinking about if they should be cut back on or eliminated all together.

Quinoa, again? But I want hot chips!

 

Last week I wrote about an event that really impacted me. You can go read the whole post to find out what the event was but here is the action I am taking ....

"I thought about it all day yesterday.  About the choices I have.  The choices I continually make.  Will I eat out?  Will I eat at home?  Will I buy a snack because I'm a little bit peckish?  Will I eat the lunch that I brought to work or will I just discard it and buy something else? And those choices are just about food ... but they are choices.  And I have power over how I chose.

Often I'll make a choice and then feel bad about it.  But, whatever, I get over it and move on.  I started to wonder what would happen if my choice had another side to it.  Like ... I can buy that snack, or I can save what I would have spent on that snack.  Not for myself.  But for someone else.  What if by making a different choice, I could actually make life better for someone else?  Sounds crazy but a $3 bag of chips is 10 days salary for the boy who has decided it's better not to dream ...

So, this is where I am going to start.  With my choices.  I'm making a budget category called "CHOICE" ... and every time I make the choice NOT to buy something indulgent or unnecessary, I'm going to transfer what I would have spent into that 'envelope'.   Does that mean that I'll never again buy a hot chocolate from my favorite cafe?  Probably not.  Does that mean I need to feel guilty if I do?  I don't think so.  What it does mean is that I will make more conscious decisions about this sort of spending."

 

It's been an interesting week.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if I would really be impacted by something so small.  I have been.  I wondered if it would really change the way I think. It is.  I wondered if I would make any choice for someone else, rather than just making excuses for why I should think about myself instead.  I did.  I didn't think about my attitude ... that has come as a bit of a surprise, but we'll get to that in a minute.

 

This week I didn't buy hot chocolate.  It's winter here so that is HUGE for me!  One time I just didn't buy it, one time I made one at home and took it to work.  I didn't even have to miss out that day but I still transferred the money into my choice account.  Another day I was putting gas in the car and they had tic tacs on sale.  I had an 'urge' to buy them.  Immediately I thought "that's $2 to go into my choice account.".  It was no biggie.  But, previously, I would have bought them.  

 

These choices weren't hard. 

 

Friday.  Friday was the day where one of the choices was hard.  I really really really wanted to buy hot chips.  A few people had them in the office and it was all I could smell!  But I had packed myself a lunch. I had leftover quinoa salad for the THIRD DAY IN A ROW.  I was so over this salad.  It was still tasty.  And I changed it up by adding feta that day, but still, I wanted to throw it away and eat hot chips instead.  I wrestled and wrestled.

And I felt spoiled.  

Not in a good way.

Really?  I had to eat a delicious, fresh, healthy salad ... packed full of fresh veggies and goodness for lunch another day ... and this was a problem?   Not to mention that in between these lunches I had eaten something different for dinner and breakfast and then another dinner and breakfast.  Probably some snacks too. 

My thoughts took me back to a book I had read about a girl who grew up in a third world country.  Hers was a poor family who could barely afford food.  They ate the same, bland, cold, nasty, pasty, grain EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Every meal ... unless, of course, they didn't have any, in which case, they went hungry.

I ate my quinoa.  

I transferred $8 to my choice account.

But not with a great attitude.

I'm still working on that.

I think that is possibly going to be the hardest part of this whole journey ...

start small. think big.

 

Yesterday, many churches across Australia took part in Compassion Sunday. Ours was one of them.  I came away inspired.  Inspired by this one statement.  'start small.  think big.'

I find, when I am participant in one of these sorts of events that I am always ALWAYS touched emotionally.  Operation Christmas Child ... when we watch a video of a child who would never otherwise have received a gift, opening a shoe box, I am reduced to tears.  Watoto Childrens Choir ... when I've seen them performed and listened to their stories of hopelessness and despair, I am reduced to tears.  

But really, what good are my tears?

Unless they spur me towards action.

Yesterday I sat and watched, once again in tears, confronted with the reality that more than 1.4 billion people in the developing world live below the poverty line (U.S.$1.25 per day) and that EVERY YEAR more than 9 million children under the age of 5 die. Two-thirds of these deaths — more than 6 million every year — are preventable,  and one third of them are from malnutrition. 923 million people worldwide are undernourished, and there are more than 9 million deaths related to hunger each year. 

I've heard this stuff before.  I've shed tears about it before.  Who hasn't?

But what good are my tears?  

Without action.

1.4 billion people ... that's a whole lot of people who need help ... who need someone to do something.  That's a whole lot of overwhelming hopelessness.  It's intimidating and daunting.  It's probably easier to just do nothing. 

One of the videos we watched yesterday is called Soundarya's story (you can download the full version here if you want to see it, just scroll down to the bottom of the page and you'll see links to a few videos.) In the video there was a boy, probably not much older than my boy.  He and his brothers work with their Dad doing back breaking, mind numbing work, for less than .30c a day.  At one point the boy said this "I do have dreams for a better future, but my dreams will never come true, so let me not have any dreams at all."  

That is not ok with me.  So the question I ask myself is ... how can I just do nothing?

I can't.

But what can I do?

I can start small ...

And I'm going to.  

I thought about it all day yesterday.  About the choices I have.  The choices I continually make.  Will I eat out?  Will I eat at home?  Will I buy a snack because I'm a little bit peckish?  Will I eat the lunch that I brought to work or will I just discard it and buy something else? And those choices are just about food ... but they are choices.  And I have power over how I chose.

Often I'll make a choice and then feel bad about it.  But, whatever, I get over it and move on.  I started to wonder what would happen if my choice had another side to it.  Like ... I can buy that snack, or I can save what I would have spent on that snack.  Not for myself.  But for someone else.  What if by making a different choice, I could actually make life better for someone else?  Sounds crazy but a $3 bag of chips is 10 days salary for the boy who has decided it's better not to dream ...

So, this is where I am going to start.  With my choices.  I'm making a budget category called "CHOICE" ... and every time I make the choice NOT to buy something indulgent or unnecessary, I'm going to transfer what I would have spent into that 'envelope'.   Does that mean that I'll never again buy a hot chocolate from my favorite cafe?  Probably not.  Does that mean I need to feel guilty if I do?  I don't think so.  What it does mean is that I will make more conscious decisions about this sort of spending.  

Yesterday, we went directly from church to buy school shoes for the kids.  I was ready to eat ... I'd say I was starving, but really ... not in the true meaning.  Normally I would have just grabbed us something to eat, knowing full well that we'd be home to a fridge full of leftovers, in just an hour.

But I didn't.  I couldn't.  

There is now $20 in my CHOICE envelope.

I hope that in time, it will lead to something bigger ... 

For now ... I'm choosing to start small.  

But, at the very least, I'm choosing to start ....

What {We} Do

I'm struck
more and more
by how much they do what we do ~
not so much what we say.

And so
I find myself
more and more
trying
to intentionally live
the things I want them to learn.

Beautiful {Aussie} Beach

One of my favorite things about living where we live is our access to some of the most beautiful beaches on the planet. It's great to be able to hop in the car, drive a few minutes, hop out of the car and be looking out over the ocean ! This morning, we did just that. We went early, as we knew it was going to be a hot day. We were right. It was stinkin' hot so we only stayed an hour or so. We were home by 10:30 am !

Rory and the kids had a swim. I read a book.

The beach was chockablock too ! We think because it's Australia Day weekend, it is Sunday morning when Nippers is on, and it's the last weekend before school starts. All of that made for CROWDED !

We didn't really mind though. We enjoyed our morning, came home, turned the air con on and waited for our lunch guests. Grandma and Grandpa !! We had a great lunch and afternoon visiting ... before heading over to their hotel for a swim in the pool and dinner. All in all, it was a wonderfully refreshing Sunday.

And yeah, we did skip church.

We do that sometimes ... and we're ok with it !

Life ... It's How You Live It.

All I can smell around here is the Jasmine. It is so beautiful. It covers the back fence on our "tuscan patio". This is the first spring that we've lived in this house and the first time we've seen it in blooom. It is glorious. Every time I open the window in this office, the smell just wafts in. It's not overpowering, just subtle and very soothing. Can you smell it ??

I've been making a few changes around here over the last couple of months. I like the results I am seeing. I'm sure I told you about our new nighttime routine. That is STILL working so well ! I'm thrilled.

Another change I've made is going to bed earlier. I had found myself in a pattern of not going to bed at the same time as Rory which left me staying up WAY too late. I'd be on facebook or reading blogs or playing games and the time would just get away from me. All fun stuff, all stuff I still do, but MUCH less now. And I'm in bed by 9:30 at the latest during the week. It's not that much later on the weekends though ... if we try to watch a movie, I inevitably fall asleep !!

I've made myself a basic morning routine that I've been able to stick to quite well. I get up at 5:00 and do my computer stuff until 6:30. I like getting this out of the way first ... otherwise, I'm wondering about it and distracted until I can get to it. Email and facebook are how I communicate with most of my family (since they live on the other side of the planet !) and I just love waking up and finding notes from them !!

At 6:30 I sit down with the rest of my cup of coffee (stone cold by now !) and my Bible. The kids are not usually up yet. But if they are I have them get a book or go do some coloring so the house is still quite quiet. I read until I'm finished. We don't have to leave the house until after 8:30 so I'm usually left with at least an hour. Since lunches are already packed, I just have to get them out of the fridge. I try to empty the dishwasher, water the garden, sometimes I do a load of laundry, make the bed, that kind of stuff. Oh yeah ... I also shower and get ready ! It really is so nice to not have to run around like a crazy lady. And you know ... I'm not grumpy either. You might think that I would be getting up that early, but not so. I love the slowness of our mornings ...

I decided too that I needed to NOT be on the computer as much as possible when my children are awake. I've really started making an effort to do stuff with them after school. I've only just started that this past week and I'll tell you, it has made a huge difference. Coupled with not letting them watch TV during the school week, I've seen incredible changes in both of them. What sort of stuff do we do ? Well Monday we sat at the dinning room table for a couple of hours writing snail mail (watch your mailboxes, I put FOUR letters in the mail to some of you just yesterday!) and playing with Alia's new spotz machine that she got for her birthday. Tuesday I took them to the toy store to spend Alia's birthday money and the money they got recently for washing/vacuuming the cars. Then we came home, put all the toys together and played. I can't tell you the last time I sat in the toy room and played with them ! It was fun. Wednesday it was raining and they hadn't watched the weekly movie they rented last week before I decided no TV. So ... I let them watch that. Yesterday we had some friends over for a play. Today ... well, Rory is usually able to come home early on a Friday afternoon so hopefully we'll get to do something fun with him !!!

It works well to spend an hour or two hanging with them. Talking. Just being together. I still have time to cook dinner while they are having baths and getting themselves ready for bed. After dinner, it's pretty much brush teeth and head towards bed. 7:30 is their bed time. Not their start to get ready for bed time ... but their in bed, lights out, done talking, going to sleep bed time. That leaves Rory and I two hours before ours ...

ANYHOO ... my computer time is up for this morning ... I've actually gone a bit over this morning writing this ... but that's ok. I do have the ability to be flexible too ... BUT, I am going to get off NOW.

Chow.

{one very wordy post}

During my much needed rest on Friday, I did a lot of thinking. I love my life. I love all of the things that we are each involved in. I love being a wife, and a mom, and taking care of our home. I love planning and preparing great meals. I love that my husband plays sport, and that our son does too. I love watching Jono as he develops that passion. I love having special mommy-daughter nights with Alia when Jono sometimes goes to watch Rory play. I love managing Jono's soccer team (ok, I don't love it, but I do it because he loves soccer!!) I love where I work three days a week. I love that I don't have to work there but that I can. I love that I feel like I am contributing to something great. I love that the kids are big enough now that Rory and I can both be involved in the music team at church again. I love taking the kids to swimming lessons. And watching Alia develop a special friendship after school while Jono plays AFL each week. I love all of the extra bits and pieces that happen each week. The coffee's with friends, the occassional having someone over or going to someone's place for dinner. I love re-connecting with old (like, from the first grade old !) friends on facebook, and blogging, and playing the Wii with my family.

But sometimes ... and last week, was one of those sometimes ... it all gets too much. I start to feeling overwhelmed and just need to stop. I am glad that I am able to do that from time to time. Of course, it meant that my cleaning schedule didn't get finished. My bathroom sinks won't be cleaned until tomorrow which means they didn't get done last week. I didn't do the mopping ... and that only happens every TWO weeks ! But ... I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm not going to try and kill myself to get it all done just so I can tick it off on my chart ! I'm just going to start this new week and two weeks of my cleaning schedule a fresh. (and yeah, those will be the first things I do !!)

During these days that I spend thinking and refreshing and recharging and ensuring that I am able to continue on with all of these things that we love, I always wonder if there is something I need to change. Maybe something we need to stop doing. This time, I didn't feel like it was something we needed to stop doing but rather something I need to change.

I've been feeling lately like I've been neglecting my most important relationship. In the business of life, I can sometimes forget to spend time with the One who gave me life ! And that is never good.

So anyway ... on Friday, I was contemplating this. I was reading some blog and I was struck by the similarity of two post. Two posts written by two of my friends. To my knowledge, these guys don't know each other. I knew one of them in high school in Spain and the other one after high school in Japan. They both live in the States now but with one of them in Alaska, I doubt their paths have crossed.

Both of their posts hit me right where I'm at ! I have their permision to share them with you ...

Here's the first one, written by my friend Alex ...

During our visit to Richmond last weekend I was perpetually trying to connect with people that we were trying to meet up with. So my cell phone was constantly buzzing with text messages and calls.

At one point my wife looked at me as I again glanced at my phone and said, "You've been looking at that thing all weekend long!"

That's made me think this week about my eyes, my thoughts, how I can so easily get fixed on something that makes me look down, that narrows my perspective.

I so easily get caught up in small annoyances or inconveniences in my life and think that they're major catastrophes.

Or maybe you'll resonate with me on this: I get so focused on scheduling for tomorrow that I miss what's happening right in front of me. I spent all day yesterday scheduling for the today that I'm now mentally dis-engaged with because I'm so focused on looking ahead to tomorrow! What a fool I am to never actually get around to living because I'm so busy planning on living in the future!

So I've been thinking off and on all week: where are my eyes fixed? what does this tell me about my heart, my thoughts, the things that shape me most?

Then this morning I was reading Psalm 25 and came across this line: "My eyes are ever toward the Lord."

When there's the convergence of a comment from my wife and a word from Scripture, that generally means that there's something here for me to pay attention to.

So I'm thinking about this today, thought I'd invite you in. Where are your eyes fixed? What does that tell you about your heart, your thoughts, the things that are shaping you most right now?

And the second one, written by my friend Khrista ... (and Oswald Chambers!)

While reading this morning, this really struck me...it is relevant to all, maybe some in particular, more now, than ever...

Keep Recognizing Jesus
. . . Peter . . . walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid . . . —Matthew 14:29-30

The wind really was boisterous and the waves really were high, but Peter didn’t see them at first. He didn’t consider them at all; he simply recognized his Lord, stepped out in recognition of Him, and "walked on the water." Then he began to take those things around him into account, and instantly, down he went. Why couldn’t our Lord have enabled him to walk at the bottom of the waves, as well as on top of them? He could have, yet neither could be done without Peter’s continuing recognition of the Lord Jesus.

We step right out with recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go. If you are truly recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned about how and where He engineers your circumstances. The things surrounding you are real, but when you look at them you are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus. Then comes His rebuke, ". . . why did you doubt?" ( Matthew 14:31 ). Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him.

If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you. Never start to say, "Well, I wonder if He really did speak to me?" Be reckless immediately— totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything— by casting your all upon Him. You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him. It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness— being willing to risk your all.

-My Utmost For His Highest, Oswald Chambers...emphasis added

And then this morning at church ... the sermon was about knowing Jesus. About getting back to basics. All the fluff and nonsense of 'religion' needs to be ignored. It's just about Jesus and becoming like Him.

Where are my eyes ?
Where is my focus ?

How do I live life ... in all of it's business ... and keep my eyes focused where they should be ?

This is what I'm thinking about ...

{thinking again}

i have a post brewing but it's going to have to wait til tomorrow

today
i
am
resting

i cleared my schedule
have played countless games of farkle on facebook
soaked in the bath
read books
and
blogs
and now
i'm going to go make some lunch
and think
and evaluate
and try and make some changes

i do this
from time to time
when life gets out of hand
and
i start to feel overwhelmed

it works

better than what i used to do as a teenager
which
was
to
keep going
until
my body stopped
and
i got sick

not good
no, not good at all

this way is better

Needles and Tea

For me, slowing down is not about doing less things.
Sure, I'm careful with how many activities the kids are involved in.
As well as how many I am involved in.
Come to think of it, Rory is too.
We both do our best to protect our time and use it wisely.

For me, slowing down (lately) has been about slowing down the super highway that is my brain !
It has been making the choice to knit and sip lovely fruit and herb teas in the evening,
rather than sit at my computer jumping from blog to blog.
It has been about not always having the TV on.

Last night, after Rory and the children were fast asleep, my mind was still racing.
I got up.
Usually I'd make my way to the computer.
Or, at the very least, turn on the tv.
But ... I didn't.
I just sat and knit.
And thought.
And talked to God.
And listened.
And enjoyed the rain and the quiet and my kitty cat snuggled up against me.

And do you know, when my mind finally settled.
When the excitement of the day softened.
When my eyes became tired.
I put down my knitting, went to bed, and in the silence of my mind, I was able to sleep.
Sweet, peaceful sleep.

And so this for me is a choice.
A choice,
that if I am wise,
I will make more often than not.